Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

Clients after you give them your rates

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

emergency phone

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes