People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
This one, by a wide margin
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
when you order from DoorDastardly
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Customer is always right
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper