People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.