Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little