people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.