people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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Liquor Store Parking
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.