Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.