People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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Dammit Chief not again
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
58.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
The glockness monster
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
a badder mouse
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.