@sammorril

People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.

You Might Also Like

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.

@CulturedRuffian

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

@ThrillHicks

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

@FatherWithTwins

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

@Rich_McCarthy

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

@atrout920

*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@ddsmidt

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”