Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.