Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

So sick of all these stupid rules

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.