People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
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I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight