People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
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[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?