People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
You Might Also Like
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.