People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
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*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.