People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
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microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Wake me when AI does housework
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.