People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
dark side of the loom
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.