Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

GM✌🏻

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.