People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
You Might Also Like
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.