People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*sewing*
A thread
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips