people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.