People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.