People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
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You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
🇺🇸🤭
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
How does one answer this?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition