People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
necessity is the mother of invention
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.