People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
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first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that