People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.