People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
When you don’t understand how floors work
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*