People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.