People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
From my Mom
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy