Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

how was your vacation

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer