People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?