Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.