“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
man i love columbo
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”