“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

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When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.


BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally


ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]


[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.


As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.


*priest says a final prayer*
*harambe’s casket is lowered into the ground*
*toddler falls in*


COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires


[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.


I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.


Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?

[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]

Me: lol you could try


[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?