“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
whatcha thinkin bout
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Go hard or stay average
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.