People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
You Might Also Like
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
doing your own taxes
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.