People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time