Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.