@PaulyPeligroso: People are all like "STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT" and then they shut down and people are all like "COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT"
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@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@KeetPotato: *gives you dictionary for your birthday* wow.. i don't know what to say "that's why i bought it for you"
@sarcasticmommy4: "I'M COLD!" yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.