@PaulyPeligroso

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

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@impJOKER

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

@noog

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

@NikiWithIssues

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

@ch000ch

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

@foxxy311

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.