People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
5 ways to appear taller
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.