‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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Passwords are more important than ever.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
A bird in the hand is never as fun as a hand in the bush.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.