Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

i baked you a cake

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans