Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

August 8

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!