Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

Happy Friday

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.