People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
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I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
How to find Kentucky on a map
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.