People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
how was your vacation
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.