Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]