Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

All set.

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

a fate I wish upon no one

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”