Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Okay this one takes it home

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

is this store having a stroke wtf

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Best spot.. 😅

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame