People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You Might Also Like
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
それは草
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe