Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.
*mops up wine with cat*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.