“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
23. the denim jacket
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[Crate and Barrel job interview]
“So why do you want to work here?”
DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
I haven’t even given you my order yet
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER