People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”