People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
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[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.