People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.