People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Happy Halloween 🎃
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket