Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????