@Purpell_Nurpell

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

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@ROSEandDAYFIELD

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

@TGIJeff

When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water

@EJT___

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

@Freudianscript

Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.

@AndyAsAdjective

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

@TheKegKiller

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@heidi420x

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

@MomOnFire

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.