Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

📽️movie date🎞️

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

life finds a way

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉