People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”