Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think about this cartoon a lot.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Look at this

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

whatcha thinkin bout

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.