People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
