People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
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Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.