People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Good news
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
do what now??
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
hmm conte-me mais
