People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.