People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
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[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
the answer was staring at me all along
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”