Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

Icarus loved hot wings.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing