Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

doing some research

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

May have had one breakfast too many

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.