People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Yes, but it was never about money
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.