people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.