Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?