people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.