Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
me: yes please
her: how do you take it?
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.