@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

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@FattMernandez

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

@DebraMuffin

Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

@TheMichaelRock

Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

@BigJDubz

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

@arcadeseals

her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally

@NicestHippo

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard

@AimeeHelene1

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.